Monday, March 26, 2007

Bite Your Tongue

Rusty, my mother-in-law's golden retriever, came barreling down the hall, almost knocking me off my feet. He licked my face as I futilely tried to fend him off. He laid his big heavy paws on my chest as he stood on his hind legs, panting heavily into my face.

"Boy," I said to him, "you seriously need some mints. You're never gonna get a date this way. You're never gonna get a date with that bitch down the street, um-hmmmm, yeah that bitch Mrs. Anderson." I grabbed his furry face and shook it, "Yeah, you don't have a chance unless you get some mints."

As the dog's tongue hung out and his saliva dripped on me, I wondered: do dogs bite their tongues? Their tongues are constantly hanging out and it's not possible that they don't bite down on it once in a while, especially when they eat too fast. Rusty gobbles up his food as soon as it's poured out of the bag. He steals the rolls from the dinner table, the snacks from the living room, the edible panties from my mother-in-law's bedroom. The panties are size XXXL so it's quite a delight, I hear.

If dogs chewed gum do they would accidentally bite the insides of their mouths? If they did, would they have to avoid Indian food afterwards because it stings? Also Szechuan food and the salsa from that Mexican restaurant down the street. I often bite the insides of my mouth when I chew gum which is why I avoid it entirely. Stick to mints, I say.

In a MythBusters moment, I decided to grab Rusty's jaws and tried to jam them shut while his tongue was hanging out, to see if I could get Rusty to bite his tongue.

It didn't seem to have any effect--myth busted. Dogs do not bite their tongues.

I know what you're thinking.

No, I'm not 13 years old. I'm just evil.

Heh-heh.

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Meeting the Family - It was an inauspicious beginning: Rusty knocks me down when I first meet my BF's family.

Parking Tickets are Evil - Yes, evil! Something from the archives: a sample of cringe-worthy writing from the early days.

Friday, March 16, 2007

Laser Whiz

Do you think that I am the only one in the world who plays laser tag with the urinal infrared sensor? I call it Laser Whiz.

Do you know what it is? It's that sensor that detects when a person leaves to flush the urinal or toilet. They usually have them in places where people forget to flush the toilet like airports, movie theatres or leather bars.

Although in the case of particularly raunchy (i.e., hot!!!) leather bars, the patrons will obstruct the sensor. You know how in a movie theatre, you may go to a vending machine to get a toy for your young one? In a leather bar, the toilet is that vending machine. People make a deposit and then someone gets a toy.

When I am using a urinal with an infrared sensor, I often have this urge to see if I could trigger the sensor to flush while I am pissing. It's like a mission: how many times can I get the urinal to flush in the time it takes to take a whiz. Bonus if you don't miss and pee all over the floor, unless of course, you're in a leather bar.

My techniques include angling my upper body sideways while keeping the lower part of my body straight. It's a particularly hard move that should only be attempted by experts. Usually only an experienced player can angle their upper body far enough to trip the sensor.

For the less experienced, I suggest moving off to the side of the urinal while peeing. You have to stand pretty close to the wall to do this. It's quite a dangerous move as you're likely to annoy the guy standing next to you.

Women too, can play Laser Whiz.

While sitting on the toilet, bend forward as low as you can while you're taking a piss or whatever you women do while you're in the stall--I can never tell since y'all take an hour in the restroom. Sometimes I think you're performing some kind of ritual sacrifice to the gods for giving you that guy sitting patiently outside the restroom for you.

You'll have to bend forward pretty low as the toilet sensor has a wider range than a urinal. I suggest papering the floor in case you have to put your hands on the floor to get low. I know this seems to be too much effort just to play a game, but trust me, you'll be thrilled when you hear the rush of water flushing down. Plus, you'll have learned a new sexual position which the Kama Sutra calls "Monkey Bending Over to Trigger Urinal Sensor" or something like that--my Sanskrit is pretty rudimentary.

Also, this position is very useful for constipation.

I think my highest score is like fifteen flushes while I was taking a piss, but this was during a nail-biter of a Super Bowl game where I was holding in six beers, four cokes and a two year-old grudge against the Hilary Swank for wearing that horrible dress at the Oscars.

Think you can take me? Then I challenge you to a duel! Let's meet at a neutral location, like at my house, and compete for the much coveted title of Mr. Laser Whiz.

Oh oh oh! We could also compete for Mr. Laser Whiz Universe if we add an evening gown and swimsuit competition. Pretty, pretty please?


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The Little Things - My ruminations on a booger I found on a wall while peeing at a corporate restroom.

Come Together - A visit to IML and sudden fart in a very very cruisy restroom.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

you were born and so you're free

by Anders Nilsen


(c) 2007 Anders Nilsen


Take a wonderful, dark and poetic journey, from deathbed to oblivion, written and drawn by Anders Nilsen. This originally appeared in the Chicago Reader for their 5th Annual Comics Bonanza.

START HERE


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Maybonne & Marlys - A cartoon by Lynda Barry from a strip called Ernie Pook. This one is about little Marlys, her gay uncle and her awesome manifesto on queers.

Cartoons - The New Yorker cartoons slay me. These are ones which have appeared in this site over the years.




Books by Anders Nilsen:

dogs and watermonologues for the coming plague

Sunday, March 04, 2007

Round Robin

What else is there to do when you are a bunch of rowdy homos visiting Small Town America, no gay bar in sight? You head to the local tavern/Mexican restaurant/bail bondsman's office, get smashed on margaritas and ask each other questions that everyone has to answer.

How old were you when you got your first perm?

Rick: Fifteen. I had great big, soft waves.
Paul: Sixteen. It made me look like a poodle. It was horrifying. It lasted a week before I cut it off.
Joe, Brian, Mark: Never.
Matt: Rick, I can't believe you had a perm! Why did you get it?
Rick: It made my hair look nice. What? What?

Have you ever had sex with a woman?

Joe: Does oral sex count?
Brian: Yes!
Rick: Ok, in that case, I did give this one girl, Mirasol, a blowjob.
Everyone: Eeeeeew!
Joe: Then, yes, it was in college. It was Kelly.
Brian: Kelly? Our Kelly? Kelly, who just got married and had a baby, that Kelly?
Joe: She sixty-nined me. We were incredibly drunk.
Brian: Does she remember?
Joe: I don't know, we never talked about it.

What was the first record you bought yourself that wasn't given to you as a gift.

Matt: What's a record?
Paul: It was a novelty record by a Filipino comedian about exercising, I would translate but it's embarrassing. I was twelve.
Joe: "Call Me" by Blondie
Brian: The Boomerang Soundtrack on CD.
Rick: Notorious by Duran Duran, it was a cassette though.

Have you ever gotten VD?

Everyone: CRABS!!!
Paul: Yes, chlamydia, among others.
Brian: Chlamydia.
Matt: Throat gonorrhea.
Paul: What is that?
Matt: It's when your throat closes up and it hurts.
Silence.
Rick: Ok ok ok. I had throat gonorrhea too.
Silence.
Silence.
Joe: Me too.

Have you ever received Jesus as your personal savior?

Paul: Twice. The first one didn't count, I was fourteen and drunk.
Rick, Matt, Brian and Joe: Never.

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Ask Matt - Dare to ask our illustrious Matt a question? Check here. Ask him for a date.

Things That May Drive Joe to Crazyville - A little rant by Joe in this very blog. He's also single, boyz.