Friday, March 16, 2007

Laser Whiz

Do you think that I am the only one in the world who plays laser tag with the urinal infrared sensor? I call it Laser Whiz.

Do you know what it is? It's that sensor that detects when a person leaves to flush the urinal or toilet. They usually have them in places where people forget to flush the toilet like airports, movie theatres or leather bars.

Although in the case of particularly raunchy (i.e., hot!!!) leather bars, the patrons will obstruct the sensor. You know how in a movie theatre, you may go to a vending machine to get a toy for your young one? In a leather bar, the toilet is that vending machine. People make a deposit and then someone gets a toy.

When I am using a urinal with an infrared sensor, I often have this urge to see if I could trigger the sensor to flush while I am pissing. It's like a mission: how many times can I get the urinal to flush in the time it takes to take a whiz. Bonus if you don't miss and pee all over the floor, unless of course, you're in a leather bar.

My techniques include angling my upper body sideways while keeping the lower part of my body straight. It's a particularly hard move that should only be attempted by experts. Usually only an experienced player can angle their upper body far enough to trip the sensor.

For the less experienced, I suggest moving off to the side of the urinal while peeing. You have to stand pretty close to the wall to do this. It's quite a dangerous move as you're likely to annoy the guy standing next to you.

Women too, can play Laser Whiz.

While sitting on the toilet, bend forward as low as you can while you're taking a piss or whatever you women do while you're in the stall--I can never tell since y'all take an hour in the restroom. Sometimes I think you're performing some kind of ritual sacrifice to the gods for giving you that guy sitting patiently outside the restroom for you.

You'll have to bend forward pretty low as the toilet sensor has a wider range than a urinal. I suggest papering the floor in case you have to put your hands on the floor to get low. I know this seems to be too much effort just to play a game, but trust me, you'll be thrilled when you hear the rush of water flushing down. Plus, you'll have learned a new sexual position which the Kama Sutra calls "Monkey Bending Over to Trigger Urinal Sensor" or something like that--my Sanskrit is pretty rudimentary.

Also, this position is very useful for constipation.

I think my highest score is like fifteen flushes while I was taking a piss, but this was during a nail-biter of a Super Bowl game where I was holding in six beers, four cokes and a two year-old grudge against the Hilary Swank for wearing that horrible dress at the Oscars.

Think you can take me? Then I challenge you to a duel! Let's meet at a neutral location, like at my house, and compete for the much coveted title of Mr. Laser Whiz.

Oh oh oh! We could also compete for Mr. Laser Whiz Universe if we add an evening gown and swimsuit competition. Pretty, pretty please?


The Little Things - My ruminations on a booger I found on a wall while peeing at a corporate restroom.

Come Together - A visit to IML and sudden fart in a very very cruisy restroom.

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