Tuesday, December 30, 2008


Hmmmn. Not the avalanche that I expected, but here are a couple of responses I got for my Ad on craigslist:

This one seems to be from some girl who thinks I have drugs.

Hay, I use to be a lesbian, but now I am with a guy. (Don't worry we are 100% drama free no one thinks you are gonna put your eg roll anywhere!) But I was just wondering if you played guitar? I have been looking on craigs list for a gay guy to just hang out with. I had a best friend who was gay in Cali but then I moved here to Chicago and miss that best friend relationship between a guy and girl with out sex. I got a guira for christmas and I am not good at all but I am trying. I have asked for one since I was like 7 and they finally get me one when I am 19. Ha, anyways I too am way into comic books (LOve YOU BATMAN!), music, love hip hop and other verious things. If you don't mind a beginner to just kick it with then get back at me.
Also 420 friendly 8)


This one just wants to give a shout-out and also brag about the fact that she has a band.

I thought your ad was funny incidentally.

I'm not gay, but I like guys as friends. Unfortunately, guys only pretty much want women friends they want to sleep with.

i started with guitars years ago--who didn't? and moved into vocals and drums, along with keys and bass. I have a band of my own--huge Journey fan. To the point of tattooing.

I laughed twice reading what you wrote: the Dolce thing, and the eggroll line. You must know 99.6 percent of what's up here is barely literate, much less cleverly funny.


Curiously, no guys have tried to hook-up with me. What? Did gay guys suddenly develop modesty and chastity this new year?

Sigh. I guess I will have to find some new guitar friends in my class, the old-fashioned way, by pretending to be somebody completely different from myself...

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Personal Ad

You know, when I was single, I hated personal ads, primarily because I thought that most of them were deceitful, if not outright lies--or at least the ones I wrote were.

I mean, it suited my needs pretty well: I exaggerated my physical appearance to the point that I might've been describing Colin Farrell, even to the point of posting a candid shot of a younger Colin.

That people tended to be surprised when an Asian guy opens the door didn't bother me; everybody knows the biggest hurdle you have is to get the guy off the computer and out of his house. After that, it's a downhill ride, because once the guy took the time to meet you, more than likely they'll just say: fuck it, I'm already here, I might as well get a blowjob from this Asian guy, maybe I'll get a fortune cookie afterwards. Do you know that you can get a bag of fortune cookies for $2.50?

It's been a long time since I've thought about putting up another personal ad. And the some circumstances have changed as well: I'm no longer single; I am a decade older, but I still want to meet new people, particularly ones that can play guitar so I can improve my own skillz.

However, I've had to think long and hard about what to write in my new ad so that I don't, one, sound like some pathetic loser; two, creepy non-stop masturbating perv; three, fresh-off-the-boat Asian. And I have to do this, even though I am all three. I feel like it would be easier to just show up and bring a fortune cookie--I still have half a bag full.

But after some serious heart-searching, and using the creative definitions of "normal" and "sane," I posted the following ad on craigslist.

Gay Guy seeks Guitar Grrl

i'm looking to improve my barre chords, so would like to find a gay girl(s) to hang out with and play guitar. i'm a gay guy living in rogers park, chicago, 30s, asian. i'm not a straight guy impersonating a homosexual and to prove that, i can tell you the first names of dolce & gabbana: domenico and stefano. there's no way a straight guy would know that.

why a lesbian? because i really don't want to deal with guys thinking that this is going to end up with some hook-up. ok, i do, but i already have a separate craigslist ad for that--look for the one where it goes "asian guy looking to deliver thick and meaty eggroll".

we could also talk about comic books, the films of charlie kaufman and my obsession with this hot guy i work with and why he doesn't know that i'm crushing on him. then you and i can abduct him and throw him in the back of your pick-up truck. i'm just kidding. we won't do anything of the sort, we can just talk about ways i can stalk him on the internet.

we could meet at the Old Town School of Folk Music on Lincoln where i am going to take an indigo girls guitar class in january. here's the set list i prepared for our first meeting:

1. brian wilson - barenaked ladies (to break the ice)
2. limp - fiona apple (getting a bit serious and deep)
3. hold on - wilson phillips (to end on a happy and hopeful note)

you can propose an alternate set list as long as fiona apple is in it.

I purposely wrote in smallcaps to lend an air of playfulness coupled with an underlying pretentiousness and condescension. I am expecting an avalanche of responses.

Related posts:

Wanted: Friend - What's the price of friendship?

#1 Single - Lisa Loeb and I are this close. The unlikely friendship of a popstar and a blogger.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Last Will and Testament

In the past few months, I have thought a lot about my Will. I've talked to my boyfriend about what to do in the event of my death.

My death. Sounds sad, melancholy but also, strangely erotic. I know some people prefer the word 'passing' or 'passed' as a euphemism for death, but I don't. It sounds like I died and was farted into oblivion. I can just hear some old biddy saying, "he's passed from this Earth." When I'm dead, please feel free to use 'dead' or even 'kicked the bucket. Or better yet, you can use 'bought the big one' to honor my life as a Size Queen.

Also, I have to do this in case my boyfriend and my mother have a fight about what to do with my heavily muscled cadaver. She's a traditionalist. She believes that I should be laid in state, in a frilly coffin with heavy make-up. I absolute forbid any make-up on my person, unless manufactured by Christian Dior. Also, it must be completely and utterly hypo-allergenic, as my dead skin will break out. Please also consult my color chart as I am an Autumn.

Now, how do I sign this to make it legal and binding? I can't use a pen--writing on my screen will ruin my internet porn-viewing activities. Okokok, here's what I'll do: I'll use a word that I don't normally use in conversation and I'll designate that word to be my signature. The word I choose is 'tittyfuck'. Henceforth, when you see this word on this site, it is my de facto signature, ok?

So here goes:

I, Paul a.k.a. "No Milk," solemnly swear on my stack of Honcho magazines, that this is my Last Will and Testament.

Please do not procure a coffin or plot or funeral services other than that to cremate my heavily muscled body. I do not want to waste any money on such frivolous activities to mourn my passing. Please cremate my remains. However, do not call the leftovers as "cremains." I don't think it makes it more palatable, just like "craisins" doesn't make dried cranberries less icky.

If a memorial is to be held, please gather in some suitable karaoke bar and sing my favorite lesbian songs. Rob! has free rein to sing any song a la Fred Schneider of The B-52's. Somebody will have to do a Michael McDonald impression, since I will not be present to do On My Own (duet with Patti LaBelle). If possible, I'd like Annie to play a cover of a Chris Mills song on her guitar. Annie, start practicing now. By the time I'm dead, you should be able to manage it.

As to the disposal of my ashes, please spread them in some location that is appropriate to my memory, like the Belmont Harbor, Wrigley Field, or the alley behind the Lucky Horseshoe where I got my first blowjob. Please save a small amount to be kept in safe place until such time that it can be thrown into Ann Coulter's face, hopefully in her next book signing.

Financial arrangements will be handled in a separate document, but please transfer all my substantial credit card debt to Elisabeth Hasselbeck. I want her to remember me every time she opens her mouth on The View.

I hope you all will remember me when I am gone as the cultured, funny, wise and good looking friend who loved you. And if you can't do that, just super-impose George Clooney's face on your memory of me.

I love you all,