The Orphanage

Just a quickie. Caught The Orphanage tonight and it blew me away.

The movie is about a woman, Laura played by Belen Rueda, who returns to the orphanage where she was raised, along with her husband Carlos (Fernando Cayo) and their precocious little boy Simón (Roger Princep). The orphanage is now abandoned and empty and Laura plans to re-open it as a home for disabled children.

But soon after they arrive, Simón makes some new invisible friends. Laura and Carlos don't make much of this as Simón has a history of having invisible friends.

On the day of the re-opening of the orphanage, Laura sees a mysterious child whose head is covered with a burlap sack. Then Simón disappears...

The movie was produced by Guillermo Del Toro, who was also the director of the beautiful and dark adult fantasy Pan's Labyrinth, another excellent movie. It has a similar tone to The Sixth Sense and has some twisty and jumpy parts. The movie scared the shit outta me and I even screamed like a leettle gurl at one point and had to slide down into my seat out of embarrassment. The Orphanage is in Spanish with English subtitles. There's still time for this movie to make it to your list of best movies of 2007, so go check it out!



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Brokeback Mountain

When it comes to male-to-male sex in movies, I am completely jaded. The problem is that when filmmakers make these movies to cater to gay audiences, they think that all we want to see is the nudity. I think they really totally missed the point. We want to see ourselves portrayed just like real people. We want to see homos to meet, fall in love, and live happily ever after with as little clothing as possible.

Brokeback Mountain is not that movie. First of all, they wear plaid. Second of all, the movie is set in Wyoming. Everybody knows that any gay kid over eighteen moves to a city where they have at least one gay bar that plays Madonna remixes. Third of all--did I already say they wore plaid? I mean, I don't think it would have bothered me so much if it was at least accessorized with Irony. A little ironing might have helped too.

But for what it is, Brokeback Mountain is an excellent movie. I am not going to extol its virtues here because frankly, I'm sick of reading about this movie in blogs. There's so much gushing about this movie, it could sweep away an entire village. If this happened in Asia, it would trigger a tsunami. The Red Cross would have to provide relief by killing the victims. Besides, the last time I heard so much gushing was at a Beverly Hills colonic spa.

However, I do have to say that the best thing about the movie is Heath Ledger and all the mumbling he does in it. I can't wait for him to be nominated for an Oscar for Best Performance by a Mumbler. He totally made me cry even though I couldn't understand a word he said. Now, that's acting. I can't wait for the inevitable gay porno version of the movie (Bareback Mountain--what else) where the bottom mumbles his way through an orgasm. It would be a welcome change from all the excessive moaning and groaning they do in porn.

I do remember getting a boner during the movie. But you don't really want to hear about that, do you? Yeah, I'd rather you see it. It's a beaut.

At some point during the movie, Jack Twist (Jake Gyllenhaal) tells Ennis (Heath Ledger) that after 20 years of being together, having sex three times a year wasn't enough for him. Then he cries like a leeettle guurl. He's lucky he even has sex. After being with my boyfriend Brian for four years, the only thing we do in bed now is fight over who's in charge of the TV remote.

What did Jack expect? That gay sex is eternal, a continuous neverending chocolate fondue fountain? Gay sex is just like straight sex, except without the designer bedsheets, the twelve pillow shams and the stubborn lube stains.

But this movie isn't about sex. This movie is about True Love. And True Love can't be about sex can it? Because all this time, we've been telling ourselves it's the relationship that matters. And if it wasn't about sex, well, then we're totally fucked.

I don't think this movie is gonna change anybody's mind about gay people. It may change people's mind about Anne Hathaway though. Lovely, innocent, pristine Anne Hathaway, the star of the Disney movie The Princess Diaries blinds us with ten seconds of her smooth, milky white boobs. I think if I were I a straight guy, I would sit through two hours of True Gay Love just for a glimpse of those boobs. God knows, I sat through two hours of A Home at the End of the World for two blurred seconds of Colin Farrell's balls.

What will change the minds of people is if this movie makes money. Because that's all people really care about. That's all politicians and businesses care about. It doesn't matter what the fucking right wing conservatives think. They don't matter.

The good news is that this is a really good movie, maybe even a Great Movie, so you don't have to suffer through it or anything. I'm sure you've suffered through a really, really bad two-hour dinner just because you wanted to fuck the brains out of some really hot dish and I'm not talking about a warm apple pie. So go watch the movie already. Merry Christmas, you big homo.

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The Aristocrats

WARNING: SPOILERS! GRAPHIC SEX, VIOLENCE AND PROFANITY. IF YOU READ THIS POST, YOU WILL HAVE NO REASON TO WATCH THIS STUPID MOVIE ABOUT THE DIRTIEST JOKE IN THE WORLD.

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A man comes into reality TV show producer Mark Burnett’s office. He says, “I have a great concept for a reality show.”

Mark says in his British accent, “Hit me.”

The man says, "We bring in a pastor’s family: husband and wife, their son, daughter and their cute golden retriever."

"The pastor beats up his wife and punches her in the face until she’s cut and bleeding. Then he face-fucks her until he reaches orgasm and comes on her face, the jizz mixing in with the blood. He ties her up in a chair and brings in his daughter and starts fucking her while his wife watches. After he’s done he ties up his daughter and brings in his son. The father forces the son to fuck his daughter and when the son is done, the father starts fucking him. Then he brings in the dog and makes the dog fuck the wife, the daughter and the son, and then he fucks the dog."

Mark sits there stunned.

Then he says, “I like it! It’s fresh, it’s ground-breaking!” He jumps out of his black leather chair and starts pacing. “We may have to blur and bleep out some parts but I think it will be a hit!” He turns to the man and asks, “What do you call it?”

The man says, “The Republicans.”

“Perfect! What about a sequel? Any ideas about that?” asks Mark.

“Absolutely!” says the man, “For the sequel, we bring in a black family and do the same thing except the wife will be pregnant and the father will perform an abortion. We’ll call it The Democrats.”

That’s it. That’s the movie. I just saved you $10. It is quite literally a one-joke movie. And before you go all lunatic on me and start flaming this post, I want to mention that everything I wrote here is in the movie* except Mark Burnett. I also left out the part about the n*ggers and Jesus coming back to earth to fuck everyone.


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* This is my version of the joke. It didn't appear in the movie, but it contains elements that were used throughout the movie.

The Aristocrats joke as told by Eric Cartman

The Aristocrats Movie Page at Yahoo!