Bite Your Tongue

Rusty, my mother-in-law's golden retriever, came barreling down the hall, almost knocking me off my feet. He licked my face as I futilely tried to fend him off. He laid his big heavy paws on my chest as he stood on his hind legs, panting heavily into my face.

"Boy," I said to him, "you seriously need some mints. You're never gonna get a date this way. You're never gonna get a date with that bitch down the street, um-hmmmm, yeah that bitch Mrs. Anderson." I grabbed his furry face and shook it, "Yeah, you don't have a chance unless you get some mints."

As the dog's tongue hung out and his saliva dripped on me, I wondered: do dogs bite their tongues? Their tongues are constantly hanging out and it's not possible that they don't bite down on it once in a while, especially when they eat too fast. Rusty gobbles up his food as soon as it's poured out of the bag. He steals the rolls from the dinner table, the snacks from the living room, the edible panties from my mother-in-law's bedroom. The panties are size XXXL so it's quite a delight, I hear.

If dogs chewed gum do they would accidentally bite the insides of their mouths? If they did, would they have to avoid Indian food afterwards because it stings? Also Szechuan food and the salsa from that Mexican restaurant down the street. I often bite the insides of my mouth when I chew gum which is why I avoid it entirely. Stick to mints, I say.

In a MythBusters moment, I decided to grab Rusty's jaws and tried to jam them shut while his tongue was hanging out, to see if I could get Rusty to bite his tongue.

It didn't seem to have any effect--myth busted. Dogs do not bite their tongues.

I know what you're thinking.

No, I'm not 13 years old. I'm just evil.

Heh-heh.

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Meeting the Family - It was an inauspicious beginning: Rusty knocks me down when I first meet my BF's family.

Parking Tickets are Evil - Yes, evil! Something from the archives: a sample of cringe-worthy writing from the early days.