Sunday, May 07, 2006

Fun with Fake Poop

“How was your trip?” is a very dangerous question to ask someone who has just come back from a vacation. You should really avoid this question altogether, if you can, along with similar phrases like “nice tan” and “hey bitch, I guess your plane didn’t crash.” Otherwise, you could be trapped looking through a thick wad of pictures of smiling natives, of artsy macros of flowers, or of bulging flesh peeking out from skimpy beachwear, all accompanied by a full narrative of every pebble or bird encountered.

I forgot about these pictures I took during my vacation. They were of an afternoon I spent running around chasing after my little nephews and nieces at my parents’ house with fake poop. It had the color of fresh, steaming poop with bits of corn encrusted on it--a healthy, medium-sized dog poop.

I bought it when I was about twelve or thirteen, along with a magic set that included among other things, a trick card deck, a magic wand and silk hanky. I was a very bad as a magician, but I wielded the silk hanky like a pro as a sexy magician’s assistant. I got bored with the magic set after I couldn’t convince my dad to buy the magician’s assistant’s gown to go with the hanky.

It was another one of my amusing finds during my archeological expedition. The poop was amazingly realistic, which is a technological irony. Why are we able to make fake excrement look remarkably real, while we have failed to make fake actresses even approximate real ones?

My nephew Andy, the ten year-old, became my accomplice, chasing around his five year-old sister Alyson, who seemed deathly afraid of the fake poop and fascinated with it at the same time. She cringed and giggled as we rubbed the poop on our faces, our faces in a mock grimace. Andy even licked the poop and pretended to gag, laughing at the same time. The two smallest ones looked on blankly, perhaps they were too young to comprehend, or possibly because they've already fished a small snack from their diapers?

So now, here you are, cornered. Paste on a smile and nod politely while I compel you to look at these pictures.


This is part of a series of posts about my vacation in February of '06 in the Philippines. Read the rest here:

Part 1: The Long Way Home
Part 2: Starvation
Part 3: Fake Plastic Food
Part 4: My Old Room
Part 5: Autopilot
Part 6: Jetlag

Part 7: A Conversation with My Father
Part 8: Archeology
Part 9: A Conversation with My Mother
Part 10: Redeye
Part 11: I Carry Your Heart
Epilogue: Fun with Fake Poop

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