Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Paradigm Shift

I don’t know how else to say this, but there has been a major paradigm shift in my life. If this were your blog and you were talking about me, the title to your post would be "No Milk Please Trumpets Paradigm Shift!" There would be fanfare; there would be confetti; there would be high-class prostitutes.

"Paradigm Shift" is a term we IT-folk like to throw around because using it makes it sounds like it justifies our inflated compensation. Unfortunately, I myself don't understand what "paradigm" means because I was too busy picking out donuts at that meeting and then getting lost in the sugar high. An IT-person probably invented the word as it has a "g" come up unexpectedly in the middle, slowing you down, like a speed bump or woman with a nice pair of tits. What? Just because I’m gay doesn’t mean that tits don’t interest me. A nice pair of tits are a thing of beauty; they make you look at their owner and then make you want to scratch their eyes out. You ladies know what I mean.

Paradigm is not pronounced as "pa-ra-dig-mmm" as you might expect but like "pa-ra-dime." Wikipedia defines "paradigm shift" as a "a radical change in personal beliefs" or "replacing the former way of thinking." And that’s exactly describes what’s happened to me--there has been a radical, radical change in the way I wipe my ass.

That’s right. I used to wipe my ass with plain two-ply, quilted toilet paper, but I’ve found something new: the personal moist wipes. I’ve flirted with it in the past, but now I’m ready to extol its virtues and champion its cause; I’m ready to go full-on with it, with no installments or benchmarks set by congress. The only thing I need is a tasteful container, maybe ceramic or pewter or jewel-encrusted crystal, instead of the plastic one it comes in and I’ll be content.

It’s like, wiping my ass with toilet paper is now akin to using newspaper, paper bags or green leafy vegetables to wipe my ass. Just the idea now makes my ass cringe and tighten. But then, I think about it for a few more minutes, hoping the idea will help tighten my loose, slutty asshole. I wish there were something like Kegel exercises for slutty gay Asian bottoms because nobody likes to fuck a loose bag of rice.

The soft, moist material is like a kiss the lips of my ass. If my ass had a tongue, it would french those moist wipes.

I also think that this is more economical, as it is pretty efficient in its cleansing. The moisture I think cleans thoroughly with less swipes; its thickness and size (a little smaller than two sheets of your normal toilet paper square) allows you to fold it over and use the other side to wipe again safely. If you were as cheap as me, you would fold it over a third time and wipe again, all without soiling your hands. I think even Sheryl Crow would find that barring an unfortunate Mexican take-out, you could use a single sheet. I myself am proof of that.

And bonus: guess what else it's good for? Wiping off spooge. I only wish it also had a built-in moisturizer for when my boyfriend comes on my face.

So hallelujah personal moist wipes! I sing your body electric! I have to praise you like I should...

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Other related posts:

Dropping The Kids Off At The Pool - Part 1 of 2. Ruminations and other deep thoughts about poo.
A Fastidious Bird - Part 2 of 2. The stress of taking a shit at work.

Getting Shit Done - Not about shit at all but about workplace productivity, or my lack of.

This Is How It Happens - A four-part story about my stay in the hospital when I had bowel obstruction. Painful.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Excerpts from a Diary

Found this on the "Interweb" (as Tracy Jordan from 30 Rock would say):

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY

DAY 180

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

DAY 181

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

DAY 182

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!


EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was... Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odour of the glass tubes they call "beer.." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...


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Other pet posts:

Morning Routine - A surprise greets me at lunch for my haste getting ready for work.

Confessions of a Broken Cat - A feline emergency in 3 parts. Drama guaranteed.

Meeting The Family - It was an inauspicious beginning: Rusty knocks me down when I first meet my BF's family.
Bite Your Tongue - Mythbusting. Do dogs bite their tongues? Find out.