Sunday, May 16, 2004

Dropping the Kids Off at the Pool

This post is exactly about what you think it’s going to be about. This is your only warning.


I wish I was like some people who can go do their business in the toilet with efficiency. For me, it’s like negotiating a cease-fire between the Palestinians and the Israelites: it’s a long drawn-out process and just when you think it’s over, somebody drops another bomb.

Some people are like bowel movement Nazis, they really have their digestive systems whipped into shape. When they "drop their kids off at the pool", the "kids" obediently comply: one, plop! two, plop! three, plop! These people must eat a lot of whole wheat...stalks.

Why can’t I be like that? Mine are more like recalcitrant children:

"Get into the pool, dammit!"
"I don’t wanna! It’s cooooooooold!"
"Goddamn it, if you don’t get in, you’ll get a spanking!"
"Nooooo! Noooooooooo!"

It’s like they don’t like to be separated from me, their dad, who raised them from small little turds to nine-inch motherfuckers. Have I been remiss? Should I have been more strict about what they watch on TV? I should have banned them from watching Star Trek, they wouldn’t have turned out to be such Klingons*, hanging on to your ass hairs. It makes it such a mess to wipe off, coz it smears.

BM Nazis probably don’t even have to wipe their asses. That’s why I can never be a millionnaire, I’m spending all my money on fucking toilet paper. I have to use half a fucking roll coz the shit clings. A woman said in a newspaper article somewhere that she uses only a foot of toilet paper to wipe her ass. Yeah, I bet her husband also tells her he’s got "eight inches." She’s probably also one of those people who "lets the yellow mellow" and only "flushes down if it’s brown." I flush the toilet before I sit, after I clean the toilet seat, after I do my business and a last time just to make sure there’s no "residue" left in the bowl.

The way I see it, if God wanted us to conserve water, he would have made the color of shit clear instead of brown, he would not have invented explosive diarrhea. If he wanted us to save the rainforest, he would not have given us the intellect to invent the triple-ply, quilted, scented double roll. I mean, this is the reason I believe that God exists, that he had a higher purpose for man, because otherwise we would be wiping our asses with leaves, like monkeys.

And God was on a roll (pardon the pun) when he created gay men. He created gay men to spread forth ass cleanliness. He created gay men so that we can teach straight people the intricacies of ass hygiene. Without gay men, straight men would not be enjoying a clean, refreshing anal sex-perience with their girlfriends. Who else would have thought of inventing the enema? I mean, don’t get me wrong, if you enjoy dirty, dirty anal sex, all the power to you. It just burns me up when people say that gay people are perverted after all we have done to help civilization. The real perverts are those who think that consensual sex between two adults is somehow bad, when the expression of love, the highest form of emotion, is questioned. If you think being gay or lesbian is about sex, then you really, really, really do not understand that it is all about designer fashion.

But shit, doesn’t it make you think? I was watching a show on the Discovery Channel where they said that schools of fish follow around hippopotamuses to feed on their shit. It’s like their main source of food. I mean, why do you think organic vegetables taste better? It’s not because they don’t use pesticides. It’s because of all the hippo-size shit they put in the soil so that your tomatoes come out red and juicy. Shit is part of the Circle of Life man, and sometimes, that’s all I can think about when I sit on the can...

Continued: A Fastidious Bird


*Cling-On's, get it?

For your further enjoyment:
The Big Shit List
What Kind of Shit Are You? - The Shit Quiz
For those with an Iron Stomach: Rate My Poo

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