Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Paradigm Shift

I don’t know how else to say this, but there has been a major paradigm shift in my life. If this were your blog and you were talking about me, the title to your post would be "No Milk Please Trumpets Paradigm Shift!" There would be fanfare; there would be confetti; there would be high-class prostitutes.

"Paradigm Shift" is a term we IT-folk like to throw around because using it makes it sounds like it justifies our inflated compensation. Unfortunately, I myself don't understand what "paradigm" means because I was too busy picking out donuts at that meeting and then getting lost in the sugar high. An IT-person probably invented the word as it has a "g" come up unexpectedly in the middle, slowing you down, like a speed bump or woman with a nice pair of tits. What? Just because I’m gay doesn’t mean that tits don’t interest me. A nice pair of tits are a thing of beauty; they make you look at their owner and then make you want to scratch their eyes out. You ladies know what I mean.

Paradigm is not pronounced as "pa-ra-dig-mmm" as you might expect but like "pa-ra-dime." Wikipedia defines "paradigm shift" as a "a radical change in personal beliefs" or "replacing the former way of thinking." And that’s exactly describes what’s happened to me--there has been a radical, radical change in the way I wipe my ass.

That’s right. I used to wipe my ass with plain two-ply, quilted toilet paper, but I’ve found something new: the personal moist wipes. I’ve flirted with it in the past, but now I’m ready to extol its virtues and champion its cause; I’m ready to go full-on with it, with no installments or benchmarks set by congress. The only thing I need is a tasteful container, maybe ceramic or pewter or jewel-encrusted crystal, instead of the plastic one it comes in and I’ll be content.

It’s like, wiping my ass with toilet paper is now akin to using newspaper, paper bags or green leafy vegetables to wipe my ass. Just the idea now makes my ass cringe and tighten. But then, I think about it for a few more minutes, hoping the idea will help tighten my loose, slutty asshole. I wish there were something like Kegel exercises for slutty gay Asian bottoms because nobody likes to fuck a loose bag of rice.

The soft, moist material is like a kiss the lips of my ass. If my ass had a tongue, it would french those moist wipes.

I also think that this is more economical, as it is pretty efficient in its cleansing. The moisture I think cleans thoroughly with less swipes; its thickness and size (a little smaller than two sheets of your normal toilet paper square) allows you to fold it over and use the other side to wipe again safely. If you were as cheap as me, you would fold it over a third time and wipe again, all without soiling your hands. I think even Sheryl Crow would find that barring an unfortunate Mexican take-out, you could use a single sheet. I myself am proof of that.

And bonus: guess what else it's good for? Wiping off spooge. I only wish it also had a built-in moisturizer for when my boyfriend comes on my face.

So hallelujah personal moist wipes! I sing your body electric! I have to praise you like I should...

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Other related posts:

Dropping The Kids Off At The Pool - Part 1 of 2. Ruminations and other deep thoughts about poo.
A Fastidious Bird - Part 2 of 2. The stress of taking a shit at work.

Getting Shit Done - Not about shit at all but about workplace productivity, or my lack of.

This Is How It Happens - A four-part story about my stay in the hospital when I had bowel obstruction. Painful.

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