My Sister, the Hurricane

My sister is four years younger than me. She is the baby, my father's favorite child. Every parent will loudly proclaim that no, there are no favorites, but they are lying, lying, lying, just like they lie about having sex--they aren't having any--we all know anal doesn't count.

Anal sex is not sex, as many a Catholic girl knows, which is why it puzzles me that so many Catholics are so against gay men. Even the Pope has a vendetta against us. In my mind, it's the lesbians he should be going after--they are the ones who are having sex.

My sister is having real sex, having fulfilled her reproductive destiny three times over, while her three older brothers have three cats and a Furby among them. You would think this takes the heat off of us, the sons, but my both my dad and mom, true to the Asian stereotype, want grandchildren who will carry on our illustrious last name. The world cannot go on without somebody with a surname of Fukudome*.

My parents wanted to name my sister Mary Jane, but my father thought better of it because he thought the Spanish version, Maria Juana, sounded too much like marijuana. So they decided to compromise and call her Jeanne, pronounced 'zhan', you know, like in French, after a Filipino game show hostess. I don't know why they couldn't have just called her Douche Bag. That's what we called her until she turned thirty.

But seriously, I love my sister. Without her, I don't know if I could have gotten away with shit growing up. My parents were perpetually worried about her getting knocked up that they didn't suspect that me and my 'friend' Nelson were blowing each other in my room.

When I heard that Hurricane Jeanne is approaching Florida, I felt a little trepidation. Is the hurricane going to be true to its namesake, my little sister? Would it be temperamental, placid one minute, furious the next? Would it make waves as it walks into a party? Would it dance up a storm or blow through a paycheck like her?

I don't know, but I hope people are smart enough to get the fuck out of her way.

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*Fuck you, do me. Yeah, like I would put my real last name here.

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