Monday, September 06, 2004

I Lost My ATM Card

Have you ever lost your ATM card? Took your money, the receipt and forget the card altogether? That just happened to me.

I opened my wallet and couldn't find the card in its usual slot. In a panic, I go through my wallet, practically turning it inside out. Still not finding it, I wondered if I dropped it somewhere. Shit, shit, it could be anywhere. Helpless, I did what anybody else would do: I went through my wallet again to see if it would magically re-appear.

Weird isn't it? When nothing makes sense, we would consider the supernatural, so-called elixirs or pyramid schemes before accepting the harsh reality. I mean, I used Rogaine for months before accepting that I didn't need a full head of hair to get laid—slipping a roofie in their drink did just fine.

No magic happened, my card is still missing.

I don't understand why ATM machines cannot spit your card out first before the money so you won't forget it. It's backwards, like getting married before having sex with your wife's best friend.

Normally, I don't even use cash for anything anymore. It's much, much more convenient to shoplift. Yeah, I know. I really shouldn't steal because it is so damn hard to return stuff without a receipt these days. I hate store credit, don't you? Hey, if I wanted your crap, I wouldn't return it so just hand over your money already.

One thing I really worried about when I lost the card was that somebody would try to use it as a debit card. Anybody can use your card! Nobody checks the signature on the back anymore. I know, because the signature on mine says 'fuck you, whore' in nice cursive writing and nobody has ever called me on it.

When I have to, I prefer to use my credit card, so I can keep track of all my expenses. It's nice to see where all the money goes so that I can tell the bill collector where to go find it. I can even print out a little report for him to use.

If I didn't have the Internet, I don't know if I would have been able to get the 800 number to call to report my card missing. I suppose the number would have been in an old bank statement, but I tend to throw out any correspondence that have the words PAST DUE NOW, OVERDRAWN or WE WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND KILL YOU IF YOU DON'T PAY US in big red letters. Boy, don't they know that red is such an unfriendly color? They should have used a happier shade like pink, don'cha think?

Of course the first question from the automated menu was please enter your card number now. Bitch, if I had my card number, I wouldn't be calling you, I'd be calling 1-900-HOT-GUYS to see if I can hook up with somebody who can help me figure out if plaid is back in.

Unlike some people, I like the automated phone menus. I really dislike talking to customer service reps. They are unhappy people and I can't say I blame them. Talking to morons, I mean 'customers,' all day can do a number on you. I mean, all that false cheeriness.

Speaking of numbers, have you ever had the urge to do "number two" in the middle of a customer service call? I had called to order DSL and the whole process took like, seriously, an hour. Thirty minutes into the call, I felt the pressing need to go poo but I didn't want to hang up and start the process all over again. You know, there is a certain satisfaction of finally being able to go potty after holding it and knowing you are going to have high-speed Internet. Anyway, I digress.

They are sending me a new card in seven to ten business days. In the meantime, I have to make the seventeen dollars I have in my wallet last that long. I wonder if I'll make it?

Once, I was able to last almost three days without any cash in my wallet. It took austerity, self-control and my jar of pennies, but I did it. It made me feel very zen-like and Asian using those pennies to pay the cab driver or for a burger at McDonald's.

I felt like I was able to resist the whole concept of money and capitalism. Or at least until the store detective caught me.


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Before Rogaine: Early experiments in hair regrowth

The Dewey Color System
Are you Color Blind?
Color Quizzes: 1 2 3 4 5 (so many!)

Cutesy ATM messages in Shinjuku, Japan
Be careful of rigged ATMs!
What to do if you lose your Credit/Debit card
ATM lures gambler to win lost money back rather than walk away

My rants about being gay and asian
All Asians look the same? Here's the straight dope.
Random Zen koans

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