Saturday, August 21, 2004

Why Change?

Whenever I read articles or websites that purport to help the "tortured" homosexual find their way back to heterosexuality, I am filled with anger at how they prey on the questioning individual by telling them half-baked ideas and outright lies.

These websites always focus on the "sex" part of homosexuality as if all we do is have wild, depraved orgies. So not true! Our orgies are always polite and courteous. We always say "please" and "may I" before fucking you in the ass. In my orgies, I always provide wet naps because I think they work best with dried spooge. I am the consumate hostess.

I am also appalled at how these people twist things around to make it seem that our sexuality is what is causing us anguish. Such lies. Homosexuals are anguished because there are so many ways to accessorize and not enough parties to go to. We are really only somewhat annoyed that there is homophobia and gay discrimination. We try not to have deep feelings—it causes wrinkles.

So why should homosexuals change? This site has all the answers.

In a survey of 200 men and women conducted by one Dr. Robert Spitzer, the following are the top 6 reasons given by the gay respondents on why they wanted to go straight. The kind doctor looked at his survey pool and pronounced to these people that the root of all their problems is homosexuality. Let's examine them shall we?

1. Living as a homosexual felt wrong and conflicted with my moral beliefs or my beliefs about God's will for my life (10 responses)

NMP: There are people out there who are morally conflicted on everything from divorce, contraception, abortion, war in Iraq, pre-marital sex, cussing and showing one’s boob in the Superbowl. You don’t see them wanting to become hairdressers or flight attendants. Moral conflict is what makes us human. Besides, nobody told you to live with a bunch of homophobes—move to a more fashionable neighborhood already.

As for 'living as a homosexual,' see #2.

2. I felt emotionally unfulfilled in a gay life; it didn't meet my deeper needs (8 responses)

NMP: Gay life. Oh you mean like going to bars, drinking, cheating on your loved one, doing drugs, promiscuity, obsession with youth and beauty, one-night stands? Or do you mean show-tunes, lip-synching and Liza Minelli? If it is the latter, I could have told you that only Madonna can ever meet your deeper needs. The former sounds a lot like straight life to me.

3. I wanted to one day have a wife and children (8 responses) or wanted to hold together an existing marriage and family (5 responses).

NMP: If you're looking for someone to do your laundry, make you dinner or give you a blowjob, I think you are looking for a housekeeper or a member of the Swedish bikini squad, not a wife. For companionship, I suggest falling in love, gender notwithstanding. Children? I think you should give Sally Struthers your dollar. Or adopt a kid who is waiting desperately for the love of a parent.

Heterosexuals divorce for a lot of reasons: loveless marriages, they want to escape an abusive partner, poor body hygiene. You want to hold together your marriage because you are not attracted to your spouse. Haven't you heard? Married people don't have sex. Give yourself a break, stop beating yourself up about it. Nobody expects you to have any sex ever again. Bonus: you're still faaabulous.

4. For me, homosexuality was addictive, obsessive or compulsive (5 responses)

NMP: If we're talking about sex, I guess somebody forgot to tell Paris Hilton that she is a homosexual. Don’t you watch Sex and The City? This is called sex addiction, not homosexuality. Addiction to Versace however, is another matter which probably requires intensive reparative fashion therapy.

5. I couldn't find "Mr. Right" and stopped believing he existed in the gay world (5 responses)

NMP: Well, he doesn't exist in the straight world either. You should probably read Cosmo or something, they have articles like "How to find Mr. Right in Five Easy Steps." They have all your answers, none of them requiring electro-shock therapy.

Did you even try hanging out in some place other than a bath house or a dark forest preserve? You know, judging a man by his abs is not exactly the best way to find Mr. Right.

6. I feared disease and early death (5 responses).

NMP: Last I heard car accidents, lung cancer, heart attacks were not gay diseases and are much more likely to kill you, unless you live in Podunk, Minnesota—then you'll probably die of boredom.

If you wear a condom and stay monogamous, you increase your odds of not getting a sexually transmitted disease. AIDS is global epidemic that affects everyone. With proper medical treatment, one can live with it much like people do with chronic illnesses like diabetes. Besides, haven't you heard of wanking? It is a very nice past-time which could only let you get to know yourself better.

If these 200 gay respondents gave me these reasons, I would ask them look closer at their answers. Being gay is not a lifestyle. Living a modest, introspective, spiritual life is not in conflict with being gay.

Let me ask you this: what if you were raised in an environment that said we were planted on Earth by aliens who lived in Heaven and we would one day rejoin them when we see the Hale-Bopp comet in our skies by committing mass suicide while wearing Nike shoes? Would you have known any better? I mean Nike shoes are soooo 80s--

I am not comparing Christianity/Islam/Judaism/Buddhism/etc. to an insane cult, but think about it: You're willing to die for your beliefs, they are willing to die for theirs. Clearly, devoutness is not a barometer for spiritual truth. In fact, what blind devotion indicates to me is a lack of plain common sense, which God, in his/her infinite knowledge has bestowed upon every one of us.

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