Sunday, August 22, 2004

Birthday Nookie

I just gave my boyfriend Brian his birthday nookie.

On this day of the year, I give him permission to defile my body any way he wants to. I'm like an all-you-can-eat buffet. I'll eat him out too, if he wants.

These are the days in a year where one in a long term relationship can have guaranteed nookie:

His Birthday
Your Birthday
Christmas Eve/Day
Valentine’s Day

The following are the days where one has a strong possibility of getting nookie, but may be trumped by extenuating circumstances:

New Year’s Eve, if you're not too drunk
New Year’s Day, if you're not too hung over
Sweetest Day, if you remember when it is
His Mother’s Birthday, if she’s not staying over

Christianity is probably the only religion that allows sex on religious holidays. I don’t think Jews or Muslims can have sex on Yom Kippur or Ramadan, can they? On the other hand, Christmas, Easter, St. Patrick’s Day are fair game for Christians. Anyway, the way some couples make love, it’s like a prayer: "Oh God. Oh God. Here I come. OH MY GOD!" or "jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesus-god!"

However, all bets are off if you have any kids over the age of one. Think about how many years there were between you and your next sibling—that's how long your parents had to wait before they were able to have sex again.

Being in a relationship is great, you can have sex any time you want, as long as you’re good at emotional blackmail. It’s better than being single, there’s a lot less humiliation involved—unless you’re into sadomasochism, then there's probably a lot.

When you’re single, you forget what it’s like to be in a relationship. You long to be back in one. But relationships are really quite unnatural, if you think about it. Mother Nature wants you to have as many sexual partners as possible in order to increase your chances to reproduce. Being in a relationship produces quite the opposite effect, so it's no wonder relationships are hard to maintain. We're not supposed to be in them.

So for homosexuals, since we are not able to reproduce, wouldn't it be the most natural thing for us to have long term relationships and get married? Marriage after all, leads to the decline of all sexual activity. Think about that you anti-gay marriage freaks.

I will take my leave while you ponder that.

I have to go and rinse out my mouth. It smells like dick.

some adult novelty cakes
If you have dick breath, get these.

Somebody's term paper on the "Like a Prayer" video
Like a Prayer: God and the Constitution
The updated serenity prayer and The Lord's Prayer
When married couples pray...

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