Wednesday, May 04, 2011

Body Building

When I was 21, I weighed a painful 108 lbs. I had a 26 inch waist. I could not buy anything off the rack unless it was in the Boys department, which I refused to do. It was just embarrassing.

You know how when you're a teenager, all you wanted was to grow up as fast as you could, so that you could live your own life? I wanted it so much, but my body fought it the whole time, resisting each inch, each pound, as if it was some burden to carried, like a humpback, club foot or a heavily jeweled tiara.

Shortly after I turned 21, I made plans to move to a Big City. I didn't know where, but I didn't care. Any Big City with a vibrant scene will do: Chicago. New York. Cincinnati. I didn't care. Get me out of the sticks. I wanted to hear music. I wanted to see the bright lights. I wanted to use a glory hole.

I wanted to get laid, but I found out that my appeal only went to a subset of the gay population that saw M. Butterfly and subsequently fetishized Asians to be some docile, delicate, dramatic diva. Notice the alliteration.

In the Big City I started working out, lifting weights. I ate a lot of eggs, chicken breasts, nuts. Taken pills, supplements and other fart-inducing protein powders. On the outside, my body had gained forty pounds of muscle. But in my head, I didn't gain a ounce. Like a funhouse mirror, the reflection of me was that of a beanpole.

But my wrists are still relic; as if the rest of my body grew up, but my wrists are still that of that an awkward teen. I buy chunky, metallic watches to counter the flimsiness of my wrists. Even now as I type this, my wrists mock me.

Sometimes, in brief flashes of the mirror, I will see the image of myself that others see. But in a blink, that image is gone.

8 comments:

Gay Guy said...

Thrilled to see that you are back in the blogging business. You are a great writer -- a real inspiration.

♥N said...

I don't know if you watch boxing - but this made me think of Manny Pacquiao, who started his career at 106 lbs, and is now at 147 - and it makes me wonder if he still sometimes thinks of himself as the young and little young man from the poverty-stricken area of his province, and if so, if that is what drives him to keep on fighting as hard as he does.

jed smith said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ryan said...

Work out.
Lift weights.
Eats eggs and chicken, nuts. Pills.
If I fart a lot, I'm doing it right.

I'm taking notes.

Shane said...

I am 6'1", 160 pounds, and i had to punch a new hole in my watch's wrist band for it to fit me. I have a 30 in waist but not really much of arms of chest.

How do you gain weight?

Aja said...

you need to see my husband. he is big from boddy building

shwanmartin said...

I used to workout for 2 hrs daily 5 days a week ,still I v got the thin wrists , plz find any solution if you have any?

Brendan M said...

Great post, like your writing style. Body image is sometimes something branded onto our psyche and it is difficult to shift - like those chubby guys who look in the mirror and see their slim twenties self even though they are clearly overweight.