Thursday, January 24, 2008

What Your Remix Says About You

When our new neighbor downstairs moved in, Brian and I were very excited. This was because the guy was HOT. When he was looking over the place, we ran into him in the hallway and we prayed--prayed--that his credit check was good so he would get the place.

He is a tall, trim black dude with nice broad shoulders, very Tyson Beckford in those old Ralph Lauren ads. I looked forward to fantasizing about him when I'm having sex with my boyfriend. What? It's true.

We speculated whether or not he was gay, which for you two straight guys that read this blog, is a compliment, because we would never speculate if someone was gay if he looks like he could have skidmarks in his underwear. If we fags like you, you should have no trouble picking up girls, and if you do, then what the fuck's the matter with you? Get it together, or get a gay guy to give you a makeover. Every dude should have a good gay friend.

Anyway, Satan answered our prayers and a few weeks later he moved in. However, we couldn't determine our man's sexuality because he didn't really have a lot of furniture. Apparently, he just moved into the city from Denver or DC or something, I don't know, I was distracted by his gorgeous brown eyes when he was telling me this.

The following weeks, there were noises indicating industry beneath our floors. We would peep into his back window to see if we could get a glimpse of his decorating style, thinking we could figure out his sexuality pretty easily that way. Thank God he hadn't bought any window treatments yet although that would've answered this question right then and there. Window treatments inevitably speak louder about you than anything. If I were a shrink, no treatment would start without visiting my patients' homes and checking out the window treatments.

However, all questions were settled last Saturday afternoon when loud music filtered through our floor. It had a nice thumping groove and immediately made me want to shimmy. We tried to place the song because it was so familiar, but it took us a few long minutes because the melody was muffled. Then suddenly, it came to us--Deborah Cox! Nobody's Supposed To Be Here, the Hex Hector remix! He's gay! He's gay! Hurrah!

If it had been Whitney Houston or even Mariah Carey it wouldn't have been as definitive, but it was Deborah Cox and the dance mix! He's sooo definitely gay. Mystery solved. We congratulated ourselves on our excellent CSI skillz.

In the next episode, we try to find out what that funky smell coming out of the place inhabited by the couple two floors below us. Is it kimchi or boiled cauliflower? Stay tuned.

Related posts:

Tug of War - What our decorating says about us.

DJ Evil Twin - My alter-ego. Totally eeevil and remixed for your pleasure.

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