Finders Keepers

"Matt, that guy's been staring at you since we walked into the diner," I whispered.

It was Saturday morning. Matt, Brian and I were having the traditional gay satanic ritual called Brunch where we gossip, bitch and talk about celebrities. Sometimes, we also pray. Today, we were worshipping at the Melrose Church and Café located on Broadway Ave.

Matt discreetly looked over at the guy, who was with three of his best gays. You can tell they were close friends because they were free and easy with each other, which only comes from years of stabbing each other in the back. I mean, if you spend all your time with people who despise you even though you buy them drinks, they must be your friends, right?

"Oh, him. We hooked up about a year ago," Matt said in a low voice.

"You must've made an impression. He's been looking over here," I said.

"You know what? I don't think that's the case. I think he's looking at my hat," replied Matt.

Matt was wearing a frayed and worn Cubs baseball cap which was once the official Cubs blue but is now sort of a grayish indigo.

"Oh, why is that?" asked Brian.

"He left this hat over at my place," said Matt.

"Do you think he wants it back?" I asked, "It's a pretty cool hat. I'd want it back if it were mine. It's stylishly faded and worn."

"I don't care. If you leave something at a trick's place, I don't think you can't expect to get it back. Finder's keepers! Besides, it's my favorite hat now. I'll scratch the eyes out of anybody who tries to take it." Matt narrowed his eyes in the guy's direction.

"Besides, if you left something at a trick's, how would you get it back?" asked Brian. "You don't have his phone number or last name."

"Hey, I did that once. I waited at this guy's place until he came out and I made him give me my stuff back," exclaimed Matt.

"That was with Rob, your ex. You lived together for over a year," said Brian.

I chimed in, "Once, a guy left his wristwatch--a Rolex--at my friend Jose's. Jose kept the Rolex. I thought Jose was entitled to it, especially since the guy had left it in Jose's ass after fisting him."

Everybody nodded in agreement. We've all seen that Rolex.

"Look, they're leaving!" whispered Brian. "Do you think he's gonna walk by and snatch the hat off your head?"

"Bitch better not," said Matt, readying himself for a confrontation.

We all held our breaths as they walked by, but as they came closer, it was clear nothing was going to happen.

They were arguing about a popular gay brunch topic: if they were in Sex and The City, which of them would be which castmember. They were quibbling about prim and proper Charlotte, even though everyone knows that all gay men are Samantha, the slut.

A gay catfight was averted again by television. Don't believe me? Next time there's tension among gays, just throw in, "I think Kate is better off with Sawyer than with Jack" and watch them bond.

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TAKE THE QUIZ: Which SaTC girl are you?

How Does It Work? - Another brunch conversation, this time about those mysterious artifacts called 'tampons.' The B-List - Once you become involved in a long-term relationship, that's it, you're relegated to your friends' B-List.

Lonely In The Crowd - You could be in a bar, surrounded by lots of people and still feel very very alone. Relief - When you're unemployed, boredom becomes your friend and constant companion.