Sunday, March 19, 2006

Special Dispensation

I can never date Kevin.

Beside the fact that I am already in a committed relationship, I can never date him because he's my friend Matt's ex-boyfriend and you can never, ever date your friends' exes. I could never date Kevin unless I stopped being friends with Matt, which highly unlikely because he's such a dear friend, he's funny and smart and he owes me four hundred dollars from our trip to New York last year. We will be friends until the very end or until closing time, whichever is sooner.

So alas, this must remain a fantasy...until Matt moves to another state, in which I can date Kevin but I would not be able to tell Matt about it. I would have to lie every time I talked to Matt on the phone, which shouldn't be too hard because I lie to mother on the phone all the time about my "roommates." My mother must've thought that I was very picky because I changed "roommates" just about every six months.

The only other way I could date Kevin is if Matt gave me a special dispensation, just like the Catholic Church allowing the devout to have corned beef and cabbage on St Patrick's Day, which sometimes fell during Lent, when eating any meat is prohibited. I often wondered if there was any way around this prohibition, whether I could just lick a pork chop or something. I mean, I am not swallowing it or anything. I hoped this was ok because I plan to keep on sucking my boyfriend's cock during this holy time.

Besides, this rule is pretty murky, like what constitutes friendship? Do they have to be within the core group of a gay man's circle, the friends you go shopping with, have brunch with, the ones who buy you drinks without expecting you to buy the next round? Yeah, I don't have one of those. I tried not buying a round of beers one night and I got bitched up really bad.

If it were just a friend that you air-kissed rather than give an honest-to-goodness hug, is it alright for me to date his exes? I wish it was more straight-forward, you know, like cheating on your boyfriend. At least then there are no rules; you can fuck anybody your boyfriend knows.

I mean, a good circle of friends is really hard to find, so you must understand me. For the longest time, the only circle I had was the one where we all sat around and jerked each other off, which was nice, but it made going to the movies awkward; somebody was going to have to sit at one end and have no one jerking him off.

Ah but Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, you six-foot-five hunk of Irish beef, you make my pulse race, you make the veins pop from my temples. When I see you, my knees get weak and sink to the floor, which is great because it would put me at eye-level to your crotch when the time is right.

The only thing I could think of that wouldn't make me into an asshole is to date my friend Matt and then break-up with him. I would make a clean break of it so that I don't feel obligated to follow this 'no dating ex-boyfriends' rule. Because if Matt were an ex-boyfriend, then I have free range to be a complete jerk to him.

Is it worth it though? Is it worth the price of my friendship with Matt? I guess I'll never find out, unless Matt doesn't pay me my four hundred dollars by next week.

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