The Top Bunk

My friend Scott spent the past weekend bitching about how there were so few "quality tops" in town for a ravenous bottom such as he. I am not really sure how he defines "quality." Since he’s already fucked everybody in town, I think all he’s looking for is a cock to stuff his ass--personality or personal hygiene be damned.

I made a comment that maybe he should consider a change and be the top for awhile. His panties got all in a bunch; he said that he was a bottom through-and-through and he was damn proud of it. If anybody needs to change, it was me and my scornful attitude towards bottoms. He commented that my attitude towards bottoms was thinly veiled misogyny because bottoms are commonly viewed as the "feminine" partner.

Some of you, as Scott did, may point out that my 'panties in a bunch' comment is proof of this, since it is disparaging of women. But I defended my position by saying I have nothing against women, just those who wear underwear. Panties are so uncivilized and unsanitary, next thing you'll be telling me is that women are still having periods (although probably not Terri Schiavo because she was in a coma*).

However, it did make me consider my position on this issue, philosophically and literally.

But before that, for those of you who are unfamiliar with these terms I will briefly explain them here:

Top – the insertive partner, the "fucker"
Bottom – the receptive partner, the "fuckee"

There are also some claims about the existence of the all-powerful Versatile Ones, where they can be tops or bottoms at will--although mostly it seems to be like myth or legend or rumors of Anna Nicole Smith's career.

To add some more confusion here, in sadomasochistic circles, a top is defined to be the dominant one and the bottom, the submissive, regardless of insertion. I think we can safely say that Dubya is Cheney’s bitch and I mean that in a totally un-ironic way.

Some tops seem to think that being a top is some sort of career. Let me tell ya, sticking an appendage into a hole is not a career. Besides, the closest job was already taken by a little Dutch boy who stuck his finger into the dike and saved his village (although I hear he grew up near the Warmoesstraat). Hell, I didn't see any tops come forward when Katrina hit Louisiana. Maybe New Orleans wouldn't have been flooded.

Bottoms aren't any better, especially the ones who call themselves "aggressive bottoms." They are so demanding. It's "fuck me harder, fuck me hard, FUCK. ME. HARD. DER." all the time. All the screaming and moaning seriously makes me go limp. I'd like for you to shut up when I am fucking you. And if you could shut up when I am watching TV and eating dinner too, that would be just peachy.

People also argue about whether it’s the guy on the top bunk or the bottom bunk who is in charge in sex. Tops feel that they're in charge, well, quite simple-mindedly, because they're on top. Bottoms think they're in charge because they have to give the "permission." Plus, they can bitch a lot longer. I happen to think it's the one whose name is on the lease.

Me? I’ve been a top and I've been a bottom. Once, a guy asked me which position I preferred. "What business is it of yours, motherfucker?" I replied. "This is a $25 blowjob. If you want conversation, that will be another $50."

If I were honest, I would say that I liked the position where I am not paying the rent, whichever position that would be.

But I think we all agree that top or bottom, there are benefits to being either. I mean, it's a good thing anal sex feels sooo good because, you know man: shit? It's disgusting.

In matters of love and lust, what does it matter which position you play? You do the dishes; he walks the dog. You're in charge of all things plumbing; he supervises the gardening. You cook him dinner; he cleans out your bank account, kidnaps your dog and runs off with the gardener. Of all the daily battles you have with your beloved, being the fucker vs the fuckee soon fade into insignificance.

In either position, we have our crosses to bear, even though we may not like them. A close friend once complained to me about how his partner was a big ole nag, and I said to him, "well that's what you get for being in a relationship with a horse." He was into bestiality.

You do what it takes to make the relationship work. And it's hard, man. They don't tell you this stuff in gay Charm School; all they teach you is how to color-coordinate your outfits. You have to learn this the hard way, just like the way you learned how to give a proper blowjob: through experience, and the pain of knowing what it feels like to have teeth scraping on your cock.

You learn that you make compromises. You learn new roles, new ways to make it work. Even if that means you have to take it in the ass once in a while.

Just don't forget to douche.


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*Comma, get it? :P