Ask Matt

Matt's notorious column returns.

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Matt--

How many holes do girls have...um...down there?

Brian

Brian--

Good question. First off, I would suggest you forward me your age and location. This will aid me in determining whether you were failed by an antiquated Southern Baptist public sex education curriculum or if you are just an idiot.

Girls, in fact, have three holes “down there.” One for pooping, one for peeing and one for the purpose of procreation. Personally, I like to refer to this phenomenon as "the three P's." From back to front, they are arranged in the following order:

1. Poop
2. Procreate
3. Pee

So, if you and your lady friend are on the verge of becoming intimate, the one that you want to aim for is in the front. Unless your paramour is of the sexually liberated variety, at which point you may suggest an entry from the rear. Believe what you hear, it really is tighter.

Good luck and happy humping!

Matt

PS - Please don’t ask me where the clitoris is. I really have no idea.


Matt--

Do girls have hairy assholes?

No Milk Please

No Milk--

My tongue says "yes."

Matt



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Matt will answer any stupid question. Ask yours by sending us an e-mail or putting it in the comments.

Ask Matt - His previous column. Dare to ask our illustrious Matt a question? Check here.

How Does It Work? - Matt can answer any question, including Annie's about those mysterious things called 'tampons.'

Ask Matt

Welcome to the premiere of a new feature here at No Milk Please. Matt a.k.a. MatthewD, of the now-defunct blog Ridin' the 135, has volunteered his wit, humor and knowledge of all things VD to this site.

The success of this feature depends on you!!! Without your questions, I will have to fire Matt and he will have to go back to polishing his knob. Save him from a fate worse than chafing, send us your questions!

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Matt--

I am a straight guy with many gay friends. The other night, as usual, we got wasted from drinking too many cosmos. One thing lead to another and I ended up having one of my friends entering me from behind while the other shot his load into my mouth. Am I gay?

Concerned About My Sexuality

Concerned--

Only faggots drink cosmos.

Matt

Matt--

I posted an ad on Craigslist the other day, and immediately got a response from a guy. He came over and rimmed me. Now my ass won't stop itching. Any suggestions?

Crabby Lou

Lou--

My first instinct was to send you straight to Walgreens for a jumbo-sized bottle of Nix. After carefully reviewing your question, however, I feel that you may simply be suffering from a serious case of chafing. The chances are slim that the object of your ass’ affection has crabs dwelling in his facial hair. If that were the case, sticking his tongue into your hole would probably not be at the top of his to-do list.

I have a feeling that some three-day stubble, in combination with an overly aggressive tongue fucking has caused the tender flesh surrounding your anus to become dry and irritated. Try smoothing some lotion onto the sensitive area and see if that doesn’t help. Don’t get too involved in the lotion smoothing process though, it sounds like your ass needs a little R&R.

Also, in the future, some butt pics would greatly assist me in making a proper diagnosis.

Matt

Matt--

What's the best way to start a fire in a fireplace?

Log Cabin Amateur

Amateur--

For a first-timer, I would strongly suggest the purchase of a Duraflame log. These should be readily available at your local grocer. Place the Duraflame log under the grate in your fireplace (leave the paper on for god's sake!). Arrange three or four logs in a pyramid fashion above the Duraflame log.

***It’s very important to make sure that the wood that you're using is completely dry. This will require at least one week free from moisture of any kind.

Once you have the dry wood in place, light the Duraflame log in three places and watch your fire grow! This should last you at least a few hours. Needless to say, the more wood you add, the longer your fire will last.

This column is, in no way, sponsored by the Duraflame Corporation.

Matt

Matt--

I was recently dumped by my long-term boyfriend and am having trouble coping with it. I can't sleep, I can't eat, and I'm just not sure what to do. I really believe that he was "the one." Help.

Lonely in Lakeview

Lonely--

Having been on the receiving end of many a breakup, they are tough. I know. Particularly in long term situations where feelings are as intense as it seems that yours are.

The most important measure that you can take is to give yourself time to heal. Relationships should be difficult to get over – it shows that you have the capacity to open yourself up and care deeply for another human being. Allow yourself to be upset if that's how you feel. It’s completely natural and as the days, weeks and months elapse, the better you will begin to feel.

In the meantime, focus on recapturing your independence. Reconnect with old friends, pick up a hobby, join a group and meet new people. This city has a lot to offer for single folks like us. Take advantage while you can!

If, in fact he is "the one" then perhaps you two will reconcile at some point in the future. For now though, concentrate on getting to know yourself. And maybe some other men while you're at it. :)

Wishing you the best of luck.

Matt

Matt--

Is it true that African-American men are more well endowed than your average white guy?

Joe

Joe--

The raw patch in the back of my throat says yes.

Matt


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Matt will answer your questions, no matter how esoteric or mundane. Got a question? Challenge Matt's intellect, wisdom and patience by sending us an e-mail or leaving it in the comments!

Finders Keepers - You've heard of Matt before! Here he was in a near-cat fight!

What Does It Say About Me? - Matt offers No Milk some fashion advice. What can't this guy handle!?!

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