Sorry

Hey guys, sorry I haven't posted for awhile. It's not that I haven't thought about it, I have, but every time I start to write something, it's just been too depressing.

I have come to the conclusion that for me, blogging is not something I do when I feel like I am in a precarious situation at work.

While I am not imminently in any danger of losing my job, I feel like somehow it is, even though it's irrational. Yes, yes, in this economic climate, we are all in some danger and I acknowledge that. But in my case, it's my new-ish boss, who has made the work environment really toxic. I feel like every day, if I screw up just one time (and everybody screws up, let's face it) I will get shit-canned.

In a different economy, I would've already left. But right now, I gotta keep my head down and be unobtrusive. Being a star can go both ways--people notice you and then they notice you screw up. This is extremely hard for me because one, I like to do good work and two, I am a stah goddamn it--I need the spotlight.

So, blogging has not been a priority. Nor has remixing. Or even updating my Facebook status. I would Twitter but I just can't find the energy to integrate it with this site.

I just wanted to update this so that when people get here, the last post isn't about some fucking toilet paper roll.

That's it for now. I hope you are doing well. I hope you are working. And if your last post was about something stupid, think about it, you probably want to update it with something, anything or maybe even with nothing.

Recession Depression

It's really not that easy to stay upbeat in this recession. Some of my friends here at work have lost their jobs. The worst part about it is the Survivor's Guilt that I am feeling, that I am still here and they are gone. I mean, would it be better if there was an Elimination Ceremony, complete with tiki torches? It's hokey but I suspect that it would be better than this emptiness, this sudden vacuum. I'm sorry it was them, but at the same time, it's like, better you than me, better you than me...

Getting Shit Done

Everyday when I sit down at work, I think that, yep, that's it, this is the day, today's the day I'm gonna get some shit done. Then some jackass decides to interrupt me as I am settling down to write on my blog. What? Does he think his report is more important than the blogosphere? The world will not end if he does not get his quarterly sales report, but if I don't put a post up, some kid out there is going to decide that he's going to end his life and become straight. We have a freakin' gay agenda to take over the world by recruiting young teens into our ranks. The world has not yet seen the strength of our wills, the firmness of our resolve, or our fearsome, killer outfits. We have the ability to cut you down from twenty feet away with a devastating, hurled insult.

At first I tried to get some blogging done over the lunch hour, thinking that this would be a good way to be a conscientious worker while using company property for my own private use. I figure they cancel each other out. However, this plan backfired because people seemed to think that even though I had a sandwich in one hand, since I was still sitting at my desk, I was fair game for more of their bullshit work.

To disguise my activities at work, I type my posts into a Word document and then cut-and-paste it into Blogger later. I will usually also have a fake spreadsheet up on my screen so that the combination Word-Excel documents on my screen makes it look like I am hard at work crunching numbers, even though I'd much rather be crunching my abs.

I've had to do this at work because my boyfriend doesn't like how much time I spend on my blog at home. He complains that sometimes he feels that I am not paying attention to him, especially when he's giving me blowjob and I am typing at the same time. What? I'm multi-tasking! Once, he got so angry that he walked away before I came--that was just petty.

He told me that I didn't know how to prioritize. He said, "We're gay, sex should be all-consuming to us. What's next? Hair care products? I'm putting an end to this now."

Contrite, I went over to him on the couch and put my arms around him. "I will love you for as long as I live," I said, "but the love I declare for you in a blog post will live forever in cyberspace. Think about it." I am usually not so mushy, but I really, really wanted to come very badly; my blue balls were killing me. But he didn't buy it.

So now I am forbidden to blog at home. Occasionally, I would try to sneak in a couple of comments in my friends' blogs while I am taking a crap. Once, I even pretended that I was taking a shower just so that I could write down an idea I had for a blog post before I forgot it. But more or less, I don't blog at home anymore.

At least my boyfriend hasn't forbidden all use of my laptop computer. I can still use it for legitimate purposes like surfing for gay porn.

Thank God for small miracles.


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If you're blogging from work, don't get dooced.


Technorati Tags: Humor Gay Queer

Just Good At It

The Filipino woman was grilling me, turning up the heat. She studied my resume intently, trying to fathom the truth beneath the fries. A stain is supersizing under my pits. She opens her purse and hands me balut—a delicacy she says—a boiled duck embryo, still in its shell. I crack open the egg and Mork pops out. "Nanu, nanu," he says, "Sorry, try again." I wake up with a start.

A nightmare.

So, I lied. I like being unemployed. The unemployment checks are like my morphine drip; it keeps reality from creeping in. It’s not much. Only $336 a week--enough to pay the mortgage and keep me in Vienna sausages. It deflects the self-examination, the guilt, the doubt. Do I really want to go back to Corporate America? To take home a day’s wage, an empty lunch bag, “borrowed” office supplies?

I like money. It makes me more interesting.

Inexplicably, I had two interviews last week. I have not changed my cover letter or resume since I started looking. I used the same format, same qualifications, same Glamour Shot. Yet for some reason these companies deigned to bring me in for an audience with the HR queen. I practice my curtsy.

I was nervous, after being unemployed for over 3 months, things are starting to go downhill: I have perfected my Regis impression. My last nibble was two months ago and Simon Cowell didn’t wave me in to the next level. “Relax,” Brian advised, “You’ll get the job, just be yourself—that’s how you got me.” I followed his advice. I went as Carrot Top.

An interview is like a date from an online personal ad. If you can fake being interesting and funny for just long enough, you get to sleep with the guy. I did all the tricks: I lean forward to convey my enthusiasm. I act interested in the interviewer, smiling at all the right places. I am a whore, doing anything to please a john. It left a sour taste in my mouth. Funky spunk.

This oasis, this time away from work has taught me a few things: I work to make a living. I don’t particularly enjoy what I do; I am just good at it. It affords me the lifestyle I enjoy: dinners out, movies, crystal meth. What I really enjoy doing—playing guitar, writing, annoying people—these I do for free. Everybody wishes they can get paid for what they like to do. I am not different in that respect.

One of the interviews went well, it is promising. Maybe in a couple of weeks, life will be just as it was before. Back to Normal.

That has to be enough, right?

Right?

Unemployment Office

Came back from the Unemployment Office. The whole application process took about 2 hours. The people were nice and helpful. There weren't many people today, I suspect since it is a Thursday morning.

The whole process consisted of basically filling up forms and setting up a profile on their jobseeker site. I actually applied for 2 jobs while I was there through the jobseeker website. The forms were routine: name, address, last job. You need to bring ID to verify your social security number. Then there was a video you had to watch concerning what benefits you can get.

Based on my unemployment insurance, I am eligible probably for the maximum benefit which is $331 per week. I guess this would be about $1300/month which is decent. I can also work up to half my weekly benefit, or about $150 without losing my unemployment insurance.

All in all, I guess it was pretty easy to get through. There are a few requirements you have to fulfill to keep receiving the unemployment including making a record of jobs that you have applied for. This requirement is to prove that you are actively making an effort to find a job. Also, you need to phone in every two weeks to an automated system to verify that you are still eligible for the insurance.

I am planning to probably work a few hours a week just to see how the various different franchises work. Obviously, I cannot work too much otherwise, I lose my benefits.