Monday, July 18, 2011

Love Letter

I had been looking through my e-mail, combing through my past. I saved some of them unconsciously, as if I knew that one day I would revisit them. This one brought a smile to my face.

Tuesday, May 21, 2002 11:12 am

Hey baby,

Dinner and a movie sounds terrific. Getting to spend time with you before I leave for a week is all I want, no matter what we do!

I have to tell you that I was feeling pretty good last night after I dropped you off. I spent the whole drive thinking of how lucky I am to have you in my life, and how much I have grown to love and cherish you. I think of you not only as my boyfriend, but a very good friend as well. I love you to death. And then, when I had just turned on to Harlem, I finally got to the hidden track. I almost burst into tears. You had put "Something like you" on the CD, and that meant a lot to me that you remembered.

I had always thought that I would like to find someone who that song reminded me of, and you are the one. Sorry if i sound sappy, but I was in a weird mood last night, and you made me so incredibly happy last night. I can't thank you enough for being so good to me, and loving me, and just being you.

I look forward to many more nights of passion, of warmth, of holding you, and many more days filled with your humor, with your intelligence .... with YOU!!!

I love that there were three exclamation points here in this last line, each one fraught with meaning.

I want to remember that there was a time when love was young, it was amazing. That this shining moment can live forever, in me.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

What Is The Use?

An excerpt of an e-mail from my mother to my twin brother (on which I was copied), on June 4, 2001:
Dearest,

I am feeling very dizzy recently, and am in very bad mood with all the things not to my liking. I hope you and Paul will take good care of yourselves, learn to help & care for each other. Father and I were very happy to know that Paul was very supportive and generous to offer his help when you were out of job. Siblings ought to support and love each other and not to fight among themselves .

What is the use of being brothers and sisters if there is no love with one another?

My parents have planted suspicion and selfishness to us their children, that one suspects the other of double-crossing each other, of greediness with the inheritance, kicking the daughters out of the inheritance,and criticizing the daughters for not helping out with their problems, that Love is not cultivated within the family. I hope this will not be the case with you.

Also, I hope one of these days, the 3 of you will find a partner to begin your life with. My heart aches with all these unhappiness.

It is hard when you have to take care of the others, when you yourself are not in very good condition. But as the host, I want them to feel that they are welcome in our house.

Love,
Mom

I found it very interesting that my mother used the term "partner" instead of "wife" in the second to the last paragraph. I believe that in 2001, I was only gay to her through innuendos. I think that this was a signal to me even then that she knew about me and my brother, and in a way, was accepting that this was the way things were.

Even though I never outright lied to her about my sexuality since I moved to Chicago, I never said out loud "I am gay" (even now). Because I haven't said so, I feel that I can't share my life fully with her.

Isn't it strange that that my reticence is what prevents us from being completely open with each other? I used to think that she has to accept who I am before I could share everything with her, but looking back now, she was open, but I wasn't.

Maybe I was (am) still ashamed of who I am. The roots of shame are very deep and hard to untangle...